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July 12, 2019 2 min read

What to Doo When Doody Calls

Hoomans are so weird! Fair warning, I’m going to talk a lot about pee and poop, but then, I’m a dog. I don’t have a whole lot else going on in my life, so forgive my excitement about the subject.

I’ve watched my hoomans “drain the water bowl” and “drop a few friends off at the pound” a few times and they seem to do it into a giant white bucket filled with water. And when they’re done, they get rid of it! I’ve got no idea where it goes, but when I check the bucket afterward, it’s empty. Who does that? Don’t they know that pee and poop get better with age?!

I like to check in on mine every couple of days as the bugs and the elements build flavour and character. I’ll sneak a taste every so often, but the longer they sit the better they get. I try to tell them, but they just tell me a I’m a “good boy” and pat me on the head. Their loss, I guess.

Of course, going outside is one thing, but we puppies all know that the BEST place to “drop kibble” is inside, on a nice, soft surface, like a towel, mat, or...a snuggly carpet! So why did my hoomans take up all the carpets in the back of the house where I spend most of my time? I thought they loved me! All I want to do is nestle my backside into the fluffy fibres of a shag rug and let loose, but instead, they force me outside, or worse, forget about me, forcing me to do the doo on a cold, hardwood floor.

Don’t get me wrong. I know they’re trying. The Boss (Mummy’s preferred title) bought me a comfortable sleep box. They said it was a “creat” and I agree that it’s pretty creat, and a perfect fit. The first few nights at my new house Daddy slept beside me so that I could let him know when I had to “water the hydrant”. But lately they’re forgetting, and I’m forced to “make doo” inside. So, when I can, I sneak into the front of the house where they have a lovely, deep shag pee pad that covers the entire floor and plant my flag deep within its velvety warmth. They don’t seem too happy with me, which baffles me. Why do you install a giant pee pad and then opt to pee in a big white bucket instead?

I guess if I’m forced to lift my leg on the outside most of the time, at least I get to do it in style. I’ve noticed that I’m the only dog in the neighbourhood that gets to wear a fancy bow tie each time I leave a little liquid or fertilize the grass. Or I least I was until the neighbours saw me. Now more and more of the other puppies are getting their own collars. And good for them. It takes the best part of my day and makes it so swanky! I feel like the king of poop!

Lift those legs high, barksters and sniffsters!

Marley